I just wound up my first vacation since melanoma awareness entered my life. My mom and I took my boys to Myrtle beach. Now, the weather was kind of lousy- there was a constant breeze that made being outside less than enjoyable. But, still, vacations involve outside as well as lots of time spent in the car, and this was a different experience.
I have been using sunscreen for awhile now, but never everyday and never for things like sitting in the car. This time was different, and I did my best to make sure we were slathred up and that we reapplied more frequently than I used to reapply. Main lesson learned? I hate sunscreen. I hate the way it feels on my skin, I hate putting it on my kids, and it always ends up in somebody's eye. Always. I mean, I will definitely use it, but I don't have to like it. And, I don't.
I have never been a sunglasses person. I would wear them occasionally, but they are so easily lost or broken, I just failed to see the point. This time, I had glasses basically surgically attached. I was never without them. I couldn't remember if my regular sunglasses were UVA/UVB blockers, so I went to CVS and bought three pairs for all of us to wear. I'll be honest. My kids don't really keep them on religiously. I need to change that, somehow. I really, really don't want them getting things popping up on their skin or in their eyes in 20 or 30 years.
Hats, too. I made sure we all had our baseball caps. We'll be getting proper wide brimmed sun hats for summer, but the caps worked good enough, especially since we were wearing jackets all the time.
Even taking these steps, though, melanoma awareness has made me hate the GD sun. Even when I am covered, I now feel it burning my skin and eyes. It just feels like an enemy, whereas I used to just lo-oooove soaking up its warmth. I'll be honest. I am not a person who accepts knowledge claims easily and I still can't understand how it's possible for the sun to be a carcinogen. I mean, how did evolution even allow that????? My mind is truly boggled by that one. But, I am trying to accept and not question and just trust that making these sorts of changes can make a difference for me and my kids. I can't see a future without the outdoors in it, but melanoma awareness has made being outdoors such an internal dilemma. Being indoors, too. For the first time, I am realizing that I need to protect myself, even from windows. My dear husband works out of our home and I noticed today the sun streams in right in his eyes. I'm going to have to get the man curtains since I know he will not do that himself.
The effects of sunlight on the eyes is hitting home for me right now because, when I was on vacation, I noticed a strange lesion on my eyelid. It is flesh colored, scarlike, an irregular circle surrounded by blood vessels, and Dr. Google is suggesting this is possibly a basal cell carcinoma. Dr. Google is also suggesting that this might be the worst kind of basal cell carcinoma you can possibly get. The ones that look like white scars are aggressive and root way down deep and can spread to nerves and organs.
I am trying to keep hope alive that this is another benign thing. And, in honesty, some of the features of my scarlike lesion do not match how the morpheform basal cell carcinomas are described- it is not firm, the skin is loose, there is no hardened base.
But, I am also aware that cancers don't really care about the memo. They present how they present, whether the textbook likes it or not. I have had moments of terror because, if this is a basal cell, it is right on my upper eyelid, and I will be deformed at the very least when they go to cut it out. I could also lose an eye. I have no idea how long this thing has been there, but it isn't small. I mean, it's definitely bigger than a pencil eraser. Dr. Google tells me the eyelid is also a very common spot for skin cancers. Even though it isn't a possible melanoma, I am still scared about what it could do to me, my face, my eye, my life.
I also have a strange little scarlike thing on the tip of my nose. Yup, never a dull moment, I had had a dermatologist appointment scheduled for April 9. I'm not sure how I'm going to wait.
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