Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Still Waiting to Turn That Corner

I just can't seem to get past this cancer scare stuff.

Right after finding the bad looking moles, the blackhead/SK pops up. Right after that, I find the eyelid and nose scars. I managed to see the dermatologist, and he is not worried about them so I have mostly moved past them. But, after finding them, I find the pinugecula. And now, there's more.

I seem to have transferred my cancer fear to another cancer. I have some low-level worry about head and neck cancer right now. UGH. I have had a stuffy nose, pressure in my nose and head, post nasal drip, and probably other symptoms for some time now. I assumed it was stress-induced with a little bit of a cold thrown on top. But...I googled. And, you guessed it, these can be cancer signs!!

The post-nasal drip, specifically, could be nasal cancer/ sinus cancer. Of course, the chances are incredibly slim- about 2000 Americans per year will get nasal cancer....But, my thought process is this. I have put myself at risk. (Occupational) exposure to wood dust is a risk factor and, a few years ago, I undertook this really stupid home improvement project that involved a lot of sanding and wood putty and I doubt I wore a mask. So, not only have I been an active participant in really stupid sun un-safety, there's also this wood unsafety...and I used to live in a really old house, my   hubby and I ripped out a floor and Lord have mercy, it probably had asbestos in it!!! My thought process is not in a good place. I spend more time than I need to thinking about all the risky things I have done in my life, all the x-rays I've had, all the chemicals I've cleaned with and put on my skin and in my mouth (i.e through my food, lol, I have never had an addiction to chemicals).

I went to see an ENT about the congestion/ pressure. It was not the reassuring experience I had hoped it would be. He looked in my nose, said my sinuses look fine, and he is worried about the headaches. If they don't clear up, he wants to think about an x-ray.

This is causing conflict. In some ways, I think my symptoms might be psychological. I mean, there is definitely post nasal drip...but the pressure? Sometimes, I feel like I can get it to go away if I really concentrate on relaxing my face. I have turned loony, haven't I? Oh, and I also discovered a mouth lump right before the ENT appointment. Well, actually I have had it forever, but it just dawned on me that maybe I should worry about that too. Turns out, the ENt is not worried about that- it's probably just a mucocele. Another benign lump or bump calling Casa Penelope home.

I'm desperately trying to maintain rationality as I go through this new and unwanted journey. But, crud. People DO get cancer. I need to find a way to draw a line while also having the fears that have popped up put to rest. I might be new to the world of hypochondria, but I vow to be the kind that takes the doctor's "all clear" as all clear :-)

Now, on that topic...I am developing a new dermatological issue. I am noticing a new coloration on my skin. In some light it looks bluish. It's too small to be a bruise. It might be right near a vein (my skin is so light that my veins show up reeeeeaaalll good). It might not even be blue, for all I know. I want to call first thing in the am, but I feel like the girl who cried wolf. I simply can't find something new every month. And, that's what's been happening.

I guess the good news in all of this is that I am handling the worry better than I did before. I think but don't dwell. I can smile and play and laugh and have fun. I'm still not as motivated as I would like to be; I need to make that happen. Hypochondria isn't a direction I ever thought my life would take. I must be a weakling deep down. For whatever reason, cancer has drawn me in right now, but in the best way possible- only at the level of fear and deference (that I know of). I am going to work to get past this but, in the meantime, I'm taking whatever positive I can. Mostly that is relating to diet and our home environment. Toxins are going. Buh-bye.

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